Payback

“Turning over a new leaf”.
That’s a good saying.
Letting go of the past, being a good person is the right thing to do.
However, it would be best to have a situation where you don’t have to turn over a new leaf in the first place.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t in the best situation.
Because I was a complete jerk, like a typical ruffian.
Since middle school, I’ve been suspended frequently for doing all sorts of bad things, and I was expelled from high school after not attending for a year. 

My mother, who raised me and my brother without her husband, also stopped berating me with a desperate face when I was expelled from school.
She must have been very tired.
She must have wanted to give up on her son as she was busy working at a restaurant from dawn and making ends meet.
After not attending school, I thought my world like a foal without reins, so I did anything I wanted to.
I forcefully took money from people of the same age wearing school uniforms, stole the money from drunkards and drank alcohol every day.
Being free from anyone’s interference, I smoked two or three packs a day, and later I began to engage in drugs, starting with what someone gave me.
I got a tattoo to show off, rode a motorcycle, hung out with guys like me, and fought.

Probably because the only thing I knew how to do was fight, I led the group and enjoyed doing dangerous feats on the motorcycle in the middle of the night.
I thought it was cool at the time.
I thought that I was a great guy.
Everyone was afraid of me, they didn’t even dare to meet my eyes.
Little did I know that all of these gradually numbed me and pushed me into an inescapable abyss.

From time to time, I hear some stories about people who turned over a new leaf, one of which says that one day he suddenly felt skeptical about himself and came to his senses.
How nice would it be if I could do that too? It would have been good if I had looked in the mirror and got surprised by the blond haired delinquent and came to my senses.
I know it’s useless to regret now, but when I think about the past, the guilt weighs down my heart.

When other people reached the age where they had to rush to prepare for university entrance exams, I worked for a loan business, saying I was getting a job.
What I do was collect the money.
Most of the people who couldn’t pay back were people who could barely live by, but had nowhere to run away to because they were so poor.
However, in my eyes, it was just extra pay.
I committed violence, threatened children and women, waited until midnight and threatened them with a knife.
I did anything to get the money. 

The amount of money I earned was greater than I thought, and I was as proud as ever.
See, making money is easy.
Everyone was still afraid of me and there seemed to be nothing I couldn’t do.
My mom who spent a decade working in the restaurant and couldn’t get out of the basement single-room monthly rent was pitiful and irritable.
So I never brought home the money I earned.
I was busy using it for entertainment.
I drank expensive liquor every day, wandered around in high-end bars and pubs and enjoyed feeling like I was an amazing person.

The only person I spent money on was my lover, Myeongshin.
Having dropped out of high school like me, he was a pretty-looking man who could make people believe he was a woman.
Myeongshin, who made me realize for the first time that I could sleep with men, didn’t talk much but just followed me around like a puppy, spurred my protective instincts.
There was no need to worry about getting pregnant and we could satisfy physiological needs at any time if needed.
At first it was just that, but after meeting him for a year, I started thinking that he was my woman.

Of course, I found out later that it was my own illusion.
No, life itself at that time was an illusion to me, so I don’t think he was anything special.
Perhaps because of his outstanding appearance, he wanted to become a celebrity and diligently attended school with the money I gave him, and wandered around the entertainment agencies.
I wondered if he would be able to act with that meek personality, but I didn’t care much.
It was my daily routine to comfort him, who was always deceived by fraud agencies and lost money and was depressed.

Then a year passed and it became early summer.
While guys my age have entered college and enjoyed college life for 2 years, I was still making money by threatening people.
That day, I had a strangely bad morning.
The boyfriend who was often tricked by his entertainment companies, came by a few days ago excitedly saying that this casting was real.
If that was true, I’d be robbed of money again.
Even thinking about it, his excited face strangely offended me.
As I drank until dawn, I woke up late and left the house to go to the lender’s office, but someone was waiting for me nearby.

“Hyung.”

When I turned my head to a familiar voice, I saw my younger brother, whom I saw when I went home a month ago, standing there in my old middle school uniform that no longer fit my body.

“What?”

Why are you here during school time? As I frowned and approached the skinny kid, he opened his mouth to speak bluntly. 

“Mom is sick.”

“So?”

“…”

“What do you want me to do about that?” 

“…Money.
Mom’s hospital bills.”

He must have hated saying that, as my brother’s mouth closed and twisted.
I didn’t hide my irritation and took my wallet out of my pocket and checked the 10,000 won bills inside.

“How much?”

“How much can you give me?” 

We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection.
If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.

I stopped trying to take out all the 10,000 won bills and asked the first question that I should have asked.

“Qtja’r kgbcu klat tfg?”

“…P vbc’a xcbk.
Vtf revvfcis mbiijqrfv jcv cffvr ab ufa regufgs.”

Ktjcxr ab wf kbgxlcu klatbea j rlcuif vjs boo, P kjr jyif ab ajxf bea j 10,000 kbc ylii, atlcxlcu jybea ws wbatfg ktb jikjsr ilnfv klat wlcbg jliwfcar. 

“Lfgf.”

Zs ygbatfg abbx atf wbcfs ribkis, mbecafv atf wbcfs lc tlr tjcv jcv jrxfv yiecais jujlc.

“Can you give me more?”

“Then how much is the hospital fee?” 

“4.2 million won.”

“…What?”

Exactly how sick is she… The words I wanted to say did not come out of my mouth as I looked at my brother.
It’s hard to tell when he had grown up so big, but my brother now looked like a person who was borrowing money from someone else and not his family member.
As if he didn’t want to get involved with me anymore.

“Can you give it to me? I’ll give it back later.” 

How can you pay me back? I barely swallowed my words and looked at my watch.

“Come back later in the afternoon.
I’m going to collect money today, so I can give you half if not all.”

Then, my brother nodded once, turned around and disappeared.
Seeing my brother disappear, I realized that he must have been waiting here for hours.
I was going to have to ask a favor that I don’t want to.

The bad feeling I got today persisted as I went to collect money.
Today, I had to collect from a couple running a Pojangmacha.
Compared to the couple who’s in their early 40s, their child was only about 3 years old.
But because there was something wrong with the child’s leg, they had to borrow money to do the surgery.
They cherished him because he was the only child they had at this late age, but because of him, they had to spend all of their monthly income to pay off their debts.
But it was hard to make ends meet and in the end, they still could not pay the interest for three months already.
This was the fourth time I have visited this couple.
Every time, I’ve been leaving empty-handed, but I couldn’t afford to do that today.
The reason was because I also needed money so I had to to use a method that I don’t use often. 

“Gasp!! W-why are you doing this?!” The pale-faced husband shouted, next to his wife who collapsed, crying.

“W-what are you